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Oldboy and Why The Very Concept Of “American Remakes” Is An Insult To True Fans of Film

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fuck you

So finally, this week, I sat down to watch the American remake of the South Korean cult film, Oldboy (definitely one of the 20 best films ever made), and I found myself filling with a sense of nausea as the movie proceeded. Not because of the subject matter, but rather, because a less perfect painter than Chan-wook Park would dare try to recreate that masterpiece. To me, it makes as much sense as a seven-year old trying to re-imagine the works of daVinci in crayon, and then attempting to sell them as the original. Maybe Spike Lee was once a great director, but his version of Oldboy sapped any respect I once had for him (Do The Right Thing and 25th Hour are stellar films, regardless). The thing is, it also got me thinking. Mainly, why? Why the f*ck do directors remake amazing foreign films, and proceed to shit all over them? Well, I have the answer, and it involves them thinking we are all f*cking stupid.

older

This shit took THREE takes. Dude has to eat three live octopi. It may piss animal lovers off, but it makes for one of the best scenes in one of the best films of all time.

Though I am not quite ready to talk about it yet, the Spike Lee remake of Oldboy was awful. Keep in mind, up to this point I dug Spike Lee, really enjoyed Josh Brolin’s, and find myself swooning for Elizabeth Olson and how talented (and lovely) she is. The thing is, the elements that made Oldboy work could NOT be recreated. No one will EVER be able to touch the performance Min-sik Choi gave as the lead in that film, and to even try was a stupid idea. Also, that film was very much a reflection of that society and region, and certain things (like eating a live fucking octopus on film) is what made the movie so exceptionally ballsy and unforgettable. The American film stripped all that personality (and stunning cinematography) away and left us with a cartoon version of a movie that was, ironically, originally based on a graphic novel. A cover of a cover, if you will. And oh, what an awful cover at that. He put new twists on plot points that were already perfect. He tried to make it even more shocking, and ended up failing on a level few will even be able to comprehend, but enough about that cinematic miscarriage. Now onto the real point why I brought you here. The very idea of American remakes.

Why? Just why?

Why do amazing and pretty much perfect foreign films get shitty American remakes? Believe it or not, it is because producers think Americans don’t want to “read their movies”. They think we are too lazy and lethargic to seek out a good film that may require us to read subtitles for 90 minutes plus. Seriously, to film fans like you and I, it is insulting. But the worst part about it is, they are right! They have not come to this conclusion on their own. They do field studies and research, and the saddest part is, a great deal of the Country actually wont watch a move if it involves them reading. Do you even know how much a kick to the dick that is to all of America? Sadly, a kick to the dick we deserve. Maybe all of us (as in the few million who read this site and are actually free thinking and intelligent people) know that some of the best films ever made are made in other countries, and reading takes NOTHING away from us enjoying a great film. But guess what? That does not mean big chunks of our country feel the same way. As sad as some other countries image of us is, things like this often prove it is somewhat warranted.

oldest

This was the look on my face when I sat and watched the Amerian DE-make of Oldboy.

I can give you way more examples than just Oldboy. City of Angels, for example. The original German film, Wings of Desire, is one of the most stunning and heart breaking films ever made, filled with a sort of air of existentialism. The remake gets Nicolas Cage in a hammy love story with a hilariously depressing ending that, out of the context of the original, loses all meaning and just seems cruel. Another great example is Let The Right One In, and its American remake, Let Me In. Granted, the remake was spot on and very little was changed, but why did it need to be made? If someone does not want to read a movie, they don’t deserve the fucking majesty of that movie. We take something brilliant and remake it for an audience who will not even appreciate it. We often dumb it down and water it down, and the end result is just a mess that sullies the original and should never have been allowed. How about turning Open Your Eyes into Eyes Wide Shut. Comparing those two movies is like comparing a Radiohead song to Rick Astley.

ass

He said he was never gonna give me up, but two blowjobs later, dude wouldn’t return my calls.

Now keep in mind, I can also name the one time an American remake was warranted. Funny Games. But guess what? That was the director remaking his OWN movie, shot for shot and word for word, strictly because it was aimed at American audiences and our lust for blood and chaos, and he KNEW h=we would all be too lazy to get that he was making fun of us, so he made it even easier for us. To me, that is what sets Michael Haneke apart from all directors. In that case, he was like, here, I wanted to make fun of you guys and kind of f*ck you up in the process, but I also want to make sure you know it is happening, so I made it REALLY easy for you. That is the ONE time an American remake of an amazing foreign film is warranted, and that is the director doing it himself. Note, nothing was lost in the translation. Not even the dead dog, and we all know the one rule in American film is never kill the f*cking dog. We can handle rape and death and eating babies, but god forbid, you fuck with the dog.

That pretty much sums up how f*cked up we are in the first place. Also pretty much sums up why we don’t deserve American remakes. If reading a movie is too much work for someone, they should be outside, sucking on the exhaust of an old Ford truck. They don’t deserve good films, anyway.

fool

People like this are the ones who don’t want to “read their movies”. 

And to the directors who feel obligated to remake these amazing films that do not need to get touched in the first place, stop. Just stop. Try coming up with an (GASP) original concept of your own and stop raping and ruining better ones.

Okay, Remy rant, over.

old

If you kids dig this stuff, head over to Twitter and follow me around, and then dip over to my Facebook and give me a “like”I post all my other freelance work there, and we can hang and shoot the shit. Come on by, it’ll be a good time. Better than these shitty f*cking remakes. I can promise you that.

The post Oldboy and Why The Very Concept Of “American Remakes” Is An Insult To True Fans of Film appeared first on Remy Carreiro.


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